Before this past Christmas it had, quite literally, been years since I had gone back to Albany, NY. I was born and raised in the Capital District, but left in ’99 to give a life in Austin, TX a try. In the past 14 years I’ve gone back to visit from time to time, never once feeling that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you are truly “at home”. The way I figured, it was better to stay away and be missed then go back to a familiar place where I felt like an outsider. I mean why the hell should I force myself into a situation that was only going to bum me the fuck out?
Yeah…so…this past holiday season was my first as a single woman and it was, hands down, the worst holiday season on record. Even worse than the previous year and THAT, my friends, was hard to beat! That is also a story for another day, Anyway, holiday season 20 aught 12 was pretty friggin’ miserable. While I was looking at everyone’s happy snappy family photos plastered all over Twitter, Facebook, Instagram & Flicker I was either in my car or apartment all alone, at some sort of family function somewhere in NY feeling completely alone in room filled with people or in an airport lounge waiting to return to my new empty “home”. I found myself sneaking off to a bathroom or whatever guest room I was staying in to cry in secret. I even found myself missing the previous holidays season! It may have been filled with arguments, embarrassment and heartache but at least I wasn’t alone.
So what’s my point? I have four days off in a row and what am I choosing to do with it? Oddly enough, I’m going back to Albany to see my Mom. To her, I’ve sold it as a belated Mother’s Day visit. The reality is that I’ve suddenly got a few BIG decisions to make and I’m sick and tired of making big decisions. Also, I kind of just want to be taken care of for a few days by someone other than myself. Yeah, I need my Mommy.
I do have some pretty cool outings planned, though, so I will get some regrouping “me time” in familiar surroundings with some awesome people. I’m not expecting this to be a quick fix, but a little perspective will be nice.