Say my name, bitch!

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This week I cried.  For the first time in a long time not because I was sad, exhausted, feeling lost or completely alone.  I cried because I felt an amazing sense of relief.  Not since the day that my divorce was finalized have I cried as hard or as long from pure relief.

A lot can happen in a short span of time.  It has been exactly 18 months since I have moved on with my life.   In that time I was forced to live out of one room in a giant house, moved from the house into a much smaller apartment before moving into an even smaller apartment in a different state.  Out of necessity, I’ll be moving yet again into an even smaller place.  I’ve lost a source of income, accidentally destroyed my car and left the life that I had known for the complete unknown.  Not a day has gone by where I haven’t felt like my life was spinning out of control.

I know it seems like I’m focusing on the negative with my above comments.  I don’t mean it to.  I’ve had some amazing experiences and seen places that I’ve never thought I’d see.  I’ve really figured out who has my back, have a much better idea of who I am as a person and like the freedom to truly be me without any filter or making any apologies.  I suppose that my point is that even with all of the good, the bad has been weighing heavily on me to the point where it’s incredibly hard for me to see the light.

On Friday I stopped by my mailbox before heading up to my apartment.  Inside of the box was an envelope.  Inside that envelope was an official certified copy of my divorce decree.  After nearly 6 months of dealing with government entities, countless phone calls, numerous emails and being fed a whole lot of false information I finally got the last piece of the puzzle needed to finally change my name.  On Saturday morning, after I sent off a packet that included the completed application, divorce certificate and long awaited decree I sat in my car and sobbed uncontrollably.  It may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is.  The return to my maiden name is a huge deal!  By returning to my given name once and for all I’m leaving my old life behind.  I’m saying good bye to the woman who paid for the sins of another.  I’m saying good bye to the woman who wasn’t allowed to do the things that she truly loved.  I’m saying good bye to a woman who was never treated as an equal…more like a thing.  I’m saying good bye to a woman who was married to a man that she did not love and only stayed with out of a sense of obligation.

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2 responses »

  1. YAY! Happy Name Day! Or it will be Name Day when the social security office puts a stamp on it, but still. These things are important to celebrate.

    I’ve found that the best time in my life was when I was homeless, jobless, and with little prospects. It sounds odd, but I lost all of my belongings in an act of generosity and had just about what I could fit into my saturn in two trips. Yet it was the time when I started over and discovered who I was not who everyone thought I should be. These hardships suck, but sometimes it’s best to lose everything to make sure that what you have and then cling to are valuable. *smooch*

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