The Second Hand Unwinds



This past August a particular day came and went just like any other.  It didn’t even occur to me until well after the 19th that what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary passed.  I felt nothing.  In stark comparison, earlier this week, I totally lost my marbles!

Since I’m mere weeks away from the reclamation of my maiden name, it’s time to get my ass in gear and deal with a few automotive loose ends.  These loose ends need to be taken care of in the Sunshine State and I have a deadline to meet so after shifting the June & July work schedule a smidge I finally figured out where I could squeeze in enough days off in a row so that I can head south and do what I gotta do!

For a few hours I had a nagging feeling .  There was a sense of confusion and frustration that had washed over me.  What the hell was I missing?!?!?  Then, when I was hammering out some travel plans it dawned on me!  Every single day of my trip is the 1st anniversary of some pivotal event which has shaped who I am today.  You know?  The woman who is regurgitating her angstiness all over the interwebs.

So it seems as if the day I leave MD to spend the day on I-95S just happens to be the anniversary of my last day at my former job.  The building was up for sale and July 25th was the closing day.  We still had to go in to the office and pretend that it was business as usual until the phone rang to give the “good” news that the sale was final.  Everyone that I worked with was staying put & trying their luck with the new company.  The office was loaded with big wigs from my company who were packing up proprietary information as well as representatives from the new company who were waiting in the wings to swoop in and put the cherry on top of the sundae called a corporate take-over.    Since I was jumping ship, I wasn’t allowed to do anything except stay in my office and out of the way.  It was a sad and awkward day.  I felt like I was leaving my family forever and it was hard to walk out that door.  I can’t even properly convey, with the written word, the sense of true loss and fear I felt.

This year the 26th will be spent at the DMV acquiring a new ID with my new/old name and changing the title over from my ex’s name and into mine.  This day, my friends, is also his birthday.  What a better way to say FU to someone than to undo everything that had been done for him on the anniversary of his birth?

On to the next one…the 27th!  With any luck, this year will be spent relaxing and having a nice day with friends.  365 days prior, I spent the morning with my ex going through things at the former house before “enjoying” a car ride to and from the county court where we filed the divorce papers together.  I can still see the puppy dog eyes and hear his guilt-trippy words regarding his depressing future plans.  I have two words which should properly describe that day and they are “awkward” and “ugh”.

Last but not least, 7/27/12 was a very good day indeed and just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  I know…SHOCKER!  Right?!?!?!?!?!  Me crying?  No freakin’ way!  Sure, I was completely exhausted from nearly 2 weeks of maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night as well as dealing with the myriad of emotions as described above.  On top of that I had been to the airport twice, put all of my belongings in a U-Haul on the hottest day of the year then drove 14 hours to unload it all in my new “home”.  So much.  So fast.  So incredibly overwhelming!  Luckily, I did not make the move alone and that’s why I’m moved to tears and overcome with emotion.  You see, two of the best friends that a girl could ask for took time out of their lives to help me start the first day of my own new life.  These two people are my best friends in the world and mean more to me than (most likely) either of them will ever know.  Not a day goes by that I’m thankful for them and what they’ve done for me.  That said, this year as I make the exact same drive back I am going to be alone.  Just me, in my car, with only my thoughts to keep me company about to make another new start.   To that all I can say is double ugh!

Needless to say, I’m sick of fresh starts and struggle.  When is my time to sit back, enjoy & just freakin’ breathe?  I hope that time is coming soon because I am sooooooooooooo done with angsty bullshit.  Just so done.


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